Elisha S. Fisch, Ph.D.
Before The Affair or After The Affair?
There is an excellent book, After
the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.,
that I strongly recommend. The following attempts to present,
through excerpts and paraphrases, a very reduced distillation of the first half
of the book, and I urge you to read the full version. Since the
excerpting is almost total, I will leave out the awkward use of quotation
marks. The first half of this book deals eloquently and compassionately with
the impact of an affair on partners in a relationship and the requirements for
healing, the second half of the book, with its sections on "How do we
rebuild our life together?" speaks to the essential ingredients
needed for a mutual and trusting relationship, and can be used to prevent
an affair- or strengthen a marriage.
It is conservatively estimated, and
likely underestimated, that 20% of married women and 37% of married men have
had an extramarital affair involving intercourse. There are also other
forms of extramarital relationships that are experienced by at least one
partner as unfaithful and hurtful. Affairs are principally about secrecy
and violations of trust, not about sex.
When such a violation of trust happens,
the 'hurt partner' experiences profound and sweeping losses leading to
physiological and emotional changes. Your mind and body are likely to be
in shock. Gone is your fundamental sense of order and justice in the
world. Gone, too, are your sense of control over your life, your
self-respect, your very concept of who you are. You may feel abandoned by
everyone- family, friends, God. A stranger to yourself, you may swing
wildly from one extreme to another, determined and confident one momment, humiliated and needy the next. Battered by
feelings so intense, you may start to wonder, 'am, I going crazy?'. 'Hurt
partners' experience many different types of losses, all variations of a basic
loss of self.
It is so very hard to feel normal at
these times, yet these reactions are exceedingly normal. They are the
normal adaptive responses to trauma. Yet 'hurt partners' are often afraid
and ashamed to reveal how badly they are feeling and doing.
There are certain global gender tendencies
in the way women and men are likely to respond as the 'hurt partner' to the
revelation of an affair, although most 'hurt partners' feel all of these
feelings to some degree. Women often try to preserve the
relationship, hoping to work it out. This may involve silencing themselves or
hiding their feelings. Men often react by wanting to leave the
relationship, coping with their injury be erasing the source of
pain.
The "unfaithful partner" is often in a completely different position, frequently feeling enhanced and validated by the affair. Often the lover has felt like a good friend, opening the 'unfaithful partner' to feelings long lost or never known. No matter how bad or guilty the 'unfaithful partner' feels, it is rarely as shattering, disorienting, or profound as it is for the deceived partner. While 'unfaithful partners' are frequently caught in a tornado of conflicting feelings constituting their own version of hell, the 'hurt partner' is in no position to hear or be responsive to this. These conflicting feelings express issues the 'unfaithful partner' needs to grapple with alone. To expect sympathy or understanding from the 'hurt partner' will only cause further alienation.
There are certain other feelings that
'unfaithful partners' may experience.
Once the affair is out in the open, one
needs to decide whether to work on rebuilding the relationship or ending
it. This choice should be made deliberately, and not on raw feelings
alone. Feelings, no matter how intense, are based on assumptions that are
highly subjective and may prove to be unrealistic, unuseful,
or untrue. Before feelings influence such an important decision they
should be examined, understood, and determined to be of an enduring
nature. What feels right to you now you may later regret as an impulsive
and unprocessed response that can't be easily reversed.
In deciding what to do, two of the
options are dead-end ones.
There are two viable
alternatives.
Exploring these alternatives involves
examining your ideas about love and honestly exploring your doubts and
fears. Among the many common fears people struggle with after an affair
are:
The decision requires a blend of
considered thoughtfulness with an exploration of feelings that involves
questioning the assumptions that lie behind, and help create, those
feelings. Most couples who successfully survive an affair begin the
healing process with an overarching sense of ambivalence. What matters
most is the conscious choice to begin the healing. Certain
essential elements are:
Both must
commit to the process of reconnecting. This doesn't mean they have to
feel certain about their future together, only that they behave as if they
feel certain while they work on changing the ways they treat and perceive
each other, demonstrating their commitment by engaging in trust and intimacy
building strategies. The second half of the book details these strategies
and is recommended reading for all relationships, whether there has been
an affair or not.
What is crucial for the healing to
begin is for the 'unfaithful partner' to be able to feel and show compassion
for the hurt they have caused. But this is not always forthcoming.
What is needed of the 'unfaithful partner' is a realization that what the
'unfaithful partner' has come to value so deeply is not necessarily the lover,
but how the lover made you feel; that what you are seeking is not a replacement
for your partner but an alteration of your basic sense of self; and that what
you need can perhaps be found with your partner, if both of you are willing to
open yourselves to change.