Marsha L. Shelov, Ph.D.
Long Lasting And Satisfying Marriages: A Guide To Enhancing Your Relationship
People live longer, visit the doctor less often and report that
their lives are more satisfying if they are in a long lasting
and satisfying relationship. This article will discuss some of the
ways you can enhance your relationship with your partner.
We pick our partners on two levels.
On a conscious level our choice reflects what each person considers desirable
or undesirable qualities in the other. She is warm and caring.
He is also caring and not controlling. On an unconscious level our
choices are influenced by significant relationships that began much
earlier, in infancy, and continued during our development. Our
decisions are influenced by our relationship with each of our parents and
by our parent's relationship with each other. A child's earliest
attachment strongly influences how he/she views all future
relationships. The nurturing, love and comfort given or withheld by
parenting figures affect how adults view his or her future partner.
Questions such as: Will she be there when I need her?" " Will he
behave in a loving manner?" and the
anticipated answers are based on early experiences. A choice of
spouse embraces both the goodness of the love received and the residual
experiences of unfulfilled needs. While these may be some of the
underlying reasons for the choice of a partner, we all do want to feel
happy and gratified with the partner we choose. So here are some
important things to know about how relationships can be nurtured to
endure.
LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP RICHER AND MORE
LOVING:
All relationships will have good moments
and difficult moments. It is the ratio
of the positive to the negative interactions that counts. There are two
core principles to guide us in strengthening our significant
relationships. First, it is important to know that it is not
the presence of fighting that leads to divorce but
rather the absence of positive interactions. People, even in good
marriages, do have conflict. However, it is the
absence of positive interactions that
leads to a growing distance and an erosion of positive connection
resulting in disengagement. Thus, knowing how to
foster positive interactions in a relationship is important.
Second, it is the important to keep the
emotional environment of your relationship safe.
Whatever conflict does
occur will likely have some anger associated with it. It is crucial
that this anger not lead to contempt and subsequent withdrawal and
disengagement. How couples argue and handle the inevitable
disagreements is essential to maintaining the overall positive regard
necessary to sustain marriages. Thus,
it is essential that your relationship maintains a safe environment when
conflict occurs. Whatever anger does
happen, and it will, try not to say it with a sneer.
THE FOLLOWING PRINCIPLES CAN SERVE AS A GUIDE TOWARDS
ACHIEVING A LONG LASTING AND SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP:
*KNOW YOUR PARTNER:
There are few gifts that a couple can give each other more precious than
the joy that comes from feeling known and understood. Your partner's
knowledge of you makes you feel loved. If offered in positive ways, you
contribute to your partner's sense of well-being. Keep in mind the
relevant information about your partner's life. One remembers the major
events in the other's history. Know your partner's tastes and
preferences. She knows how he likes his coffee or tea. He knows if
she wants French fries or a salad. They know each other's goals in
life, each other's worries, and each other's hopes. The more you
know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected
as life swirls around you. If you do not know about
something, ask.
*NURTURE YOUR LOVE
Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities. Be sure
to tell your partner about them. It feels good to have our
partner validate one's good qualities. Not only does it feel good to
you when you remember that you picked a good person, it also feels
good to your partner to feel validated. Warm feelings come easily
when we feel recognized for our strengths. If you maintain a sense
of respect for your spouse, you are also less likely to act
disgusted with him or her when you disagree. Fortifying your
fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage, in this way,
is a powerful buffer when bad times hit. Because you have this
reserve of good feelings you can look past some of your partner's
irritating habits and avoid cataclysmic thoughts about separation and
divorce each time you have an argument.
*TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF AWAY
In daily conversations couples either respond with
interest to each other's
opening comment or turn away. So, one spouse might say did you
notice how dry the grass is and the other can respond by
either acknowledging your partner or ignoring the question. Stay
aware of the importance of responding to your spouse's comments on
everyday matters such as grocery lists, car repairs and neighbors. Idle
chatting can represent being
connected. Doing chores together , eating
breakfast together,
reading the newspaper together,
exercising together,
playing games, asking about your spouse's day are all examples of turning
toward each other. Life and relationships
occur in the ordinary, not just on special
nights or on vacations.
*LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU
The most stable marriages are the ones in which
partners do not resist power sharing. For example, when a husband
accepts his wife's influence, his open attitude heightens the positive in
his relationship by strengthening his friendship with his wife.
This deceases the occurrence of power struggles
because your spouse is open to learning. Many people resist
the impulse to say fine, or it's up to you because they fear that an easy
going attitude will weaken their distinct individuality. Being easy
going when you can be, however, does not eliminate those times when you
need to make your own strong opinion known. In fact, it can make it
more likely that your opinion will be heard, too.
*MARITAL CONFLICT
Marital conflict falls into one of two categories. Either
the conflicts are solvable or they are perpetual. The solvable
conflicts can be settled by focusing on the particular problem and
talking about your thoughts and feelings about that issue. Your
spouse can change if he/she feels basically accepted as a person. Stay
focused on the issue and not your spouse's personality. If
you feel criticized and not liked, it is difficult to change your
position. Typical solvable problems can center on work, money, division
of labor, and child rearing differences. However, many
marital conflicts fall into the category of perpetual problems, issues
that keep coming up for reconsideration and do not seem to go away.
These problems can vary from couple to couple. The perpetual conflicts
will be a part of a couples' life forever. Perpetual
problems are based on one's deeply felt underlying belief system.
They usually arise from basic differences between the couple. One
can feel the deep seated tension when these sticky issues emerge.
These differences need to be identified and discussed. Topics such
as loyalty, family responsibility, practicing one's religion, can
be considered sacred to an individual and thus not necessarily
amenable to change. Since Perpetual conflicts do not
disappear, a couple needs to
accept the differences in each other and work together to live with these
difficulties. The danger in not communicating about conflicts is the
emergence of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The
work in marriage is learning to live with these issues and figuring out a
strategy to accept these differences.
*CREATING SAFETY
In working out solvable problems, it is essential to
create an emotional environment in which it is safe to talk about
important personal matters. When your spouse raises something
important learn to hold back your reaction to what he/she is saying until
he/she has finished and then talk about your own views. This takes
work. Keep in mind, your own desire to enhance your
relationship. Criticism, interruption, taking over the other is not
the way to get your partner to change. The fewer the
criticisms the better.
Below are some suggestions to help communicating during conflicts.
2. Learn to make
and receive repair attempts. When your partner makes an overture of
conciliation, even if it is hard, recognize it and appreciate it.
You can still make your point, but your partner is trying to keep things
safe for both of you.
3. Take time
outs. If the argument is too out of hand and you are feeling
over-whelmed, stop the discussion before exploding, imploding or
withdrawing. Don't storm out. Take a 20 minute break and do something
self- soothing. Then come back again to talk.
4. Compromise.
5. Be tolerant of
each other's faults.
*CREATING
SHARED RITUALS OF CONNECTION
Create both informal and formal ways to be together. It is
more common for people to know they need a night out, a date, or a
weekend together. However, they may not think of the details of
ordinary moments. Make a list of the transitions of the day and decide as
a couple how to enact them. For example,
separating for work or school, meeting at the end of the day, meal times,
bedtime, dates and getaways, love making and vacations. A
regular evening tea, or glass of wine, or a game can
become a precious shared moment if you both create it.
*CREATING SHARED MEANING
Marriage is not just about splitting chores raising kids and
making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension. This is
not necessarily religious. Rather, it has to do with the fact that
human beings tend to create meaning in their lives. Each individual
has an inner life. Creating a shared inner
life together, a marital
culture rich with symbols and rituals, and a deep appreciation for the
roles and goals that link you is
important. Discussions of dreams and hopes, sharing a walk or a
beautiful sunset, or simple thoughts about how life could be can develop a
spiritual dimension that deepens and enriches your relationship with each
other. These can develop a spiritual dimension that deepens and enriches
your relationship with each other.
The creation of a long and successful marriage
takes understanding and work on the part of the individuals, both on
themselves and on their relationship. The more you are aware about
your own thoughts and feelings, and of your partner's needs, the more you
will be able to make conscious choices about your relationship.
References: Maria-Alba
Fisch Ph.D.
Judith Wallerstein Ph.D.
John Gottman Ph.D.